King David Facts

King David

King David

Your attraction to King David in no way affects your sexual orientation. Everyone is attracted to King David.

Your husband doesn’t wish he was King David. He wishes YOU were King David.

King David doesn’t go to church on Sunday.. God comes to his house instead.

When King David was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for King David.

King David can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30. King David never eats McDonald’s.

King David removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. King David never needs to escape.

If King David and MacGyver were locked in a room together, King David would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

If King David lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.

Guns don’t kill people, King David kills people.

When King David turns on an Xbox the screen just says “You Win” and turns itself off again.

In kindergarten, King David killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

King David doesn’t eat honey, he chews bees.

The bumper sticker on Jesus’s car reads, “WWKDD?”

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about King David during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

What color is King David‘s blood? Trick question. King David does not bleed.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to King David.

King David once double teamed a girl… by himself.

King David uses #1 pencils on standardized tests…. King David doesn’t associate with anything that is #2.

King David picks up women by telling them, “You’ve read my file… you know what I am capable of.”

King David saved the day. Twice. In one day.

King David has never actually had to count to three, ever.

King David’s dog put a sign on his fence that reads “Beware of King David.”

King David went as himself one year for Halloween. It was voted as both the most terrifying and the sexiest costume in Halloween history.

King David won the Tour de France on a unicycle. He thinks yellow wristbands are for pussys.

If at first you don’t succeed, then your name is not King David.

“Panic! At the Disco” was originally called “At the Disco”. Then King David showed up.

When King David watches a pot, it boils. Immediately.

Victoria’s secret… King David.

King David can divide by zero.

The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into King David.

Don’t ever say “Bite me!” to King David. He’ll do it.

King David doesn’t play the game SORRY. King David doesn’t apologize.

King David knows where Carmen San Diego is.

King David brought a knife to a gun fight. He won.

King David does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.

Most children slept with a teddy bear when they were young, King David did the same thing but with a real bear.

King David came up with the idea to can and sell his own urine, that product is known as Red Bull.

After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being King David.

If you spell King David in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

Don’t ask King David what he would do for a Klondike bar…You might get killed if your holding one.

King David doesn’t use toilet paper. He uses terrorists.

When King David was a baby, he took candy from adults.

When King David was in preschool he showed his teacher penis for show and tell. She then ran and told all the other female school employees how big it was.

King David‘s blood type is testosterone.

Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take King David in a fight. He ended up pregnant and they made a shitty movie about it.

Who says King David does not have a heart? He’s holding one in his hand right now.

Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. King David got a blowjob.

King David killed Kenny.

When reading the Bible if you replace “Jesus” with “King David” the whole entire thing suddenly makes a lot more sense.

King David once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.

King David‘s parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, they are still trying to find him.

King David‘s hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.

King David beat an Asian boy in Dance Dance Revolution.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after King David in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses King David.

When someone asked King David if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied “What does ‘afraid’ mean?”

If King David had been a Spartan the movie would have been called “1″.

Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read King David‘s mind. Now he’s sitting in a wheel chair.

On a high school math test, King David put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because King David solves all his problems with Violence.

King David signs his autograph with sperm. Feel free to ask him to sign your face or body.

If King David was president, he would protect the secret service.

King David once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch.

King David always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It’s because steroids are made from King David‘s sweat.

King David‘s calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, nobody fools King David.

Kiefer Sutherland was scheduled to play King David in a movie .Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, King David killed Sutherland. King David gets played by no one.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with King David. Sounds like a fair fight.

When the Virgin Mary lost her virginity, King David found it and put it back.

Superman’s kids wear King David pajamas.

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because King David spared your life.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because King David didn’t feel like punching you.

King David once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

It’s no use crying over spilled milk… Unless that was King David‘s milk. In that case, you’re screwed.

King David won a game of “Connect 4″ in 3 moves.

Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. King David laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Killing King David doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

King David is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban King David as an “Assault Weapon”. King David maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families.But unfortunately, statistics don’t lie.

King David arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

When Google can’t find something, it asks King David for help.

King David once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that King David is, in fact, still alive.

“Simon Says” should be renamed to King David Says” because when King David says to do something then you fucking do it.

In high school King David was voted “Most Likely to Kill a Terrorist”… and “Best Eyes.”

King David‘s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When King David uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.

King David once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.

At last years Christmas party, King David brought the punch. Nobody survived.

As a child, King David taught his dog to play dead…once.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met King David.

Finding Nemo would have been a one minute movie had King David been looking for him.

If King David misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until King David heard their music.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< King David“.

King David is the ‘I’ in team.

King David” is Arabic for “I’m fucked”.

Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about King David. He passed. It was too violent.

When Gotham is in trouble they turn on the Batman signal. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the King David signal.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards “The Man of Year*”, there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, ” *besides King David.”

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